after everything i’ve went through and everything i’ve given up for my past relationship, i just couldn’t make myself want to put that effort into something ever again. love, and being with someone just seemed kinda hopeless. it never really did work out well for me. and i don’t even know what the future holds for us as far as this relationship will go, but there’s one thing that you’ve changed about me, for the better. i’m actually willing to try again. i don’t know, to be honest i think that became one hundred percent clear to me yesterday when your mom made us supper. that sounds super weird, and even though i had really strong feelings for you, i just wasn’t too sure i’d be ready any time soon to be yours, officially. i don’t know if you noticed, when we sat back down with our plate of food and i just started smiling like crazy. it’s not like we were doing anything too romantic or anything, just eating chicken, rice and chocolate milk. watching fight club. and this wasn’t even my first dinner at your house, but for some reason. the food just tasted extra good. and i thought “wow, this is the first time in a long time that i’ve had an actual home cooked meal at someone else’s house.” even at friends, we warm up burgers, we made our own food. i’m not used to having a relationship with the people i hang out with’s parents. i just couldn’t stop smiling, i kept thinking like. man, i could use this in my life. now being with you obviously isn’t just because of your parents cooking. but it was just, such a genuine peace of mind type of feeling. i was always stressing about pointless things, because all i’ve ever been exposed to in relationships were stress. and with you, it’s just easy. being with you is natural. i know things happened so quickly, i don’t even know how to wrap my mind around it. but i’m excited for this, i’m so excited to see where we might end up. maybe it’s crazy to call this a relationship so early on, but maybe it would be crazier to not try this out. hanging out with you makes me so happy. and i actually don’t want to leave when we’re together. its been forever since i’ve actually wanted to be by someone’s side for as long as i could. 

what happens if i don’t make something out of myself once i get out of high school? i know you guys care about me. you keep telling me to try and you get upset when i just slack off in school. i know it just looks like i’m lazy and i need to try harder, but its like. every time i try, no matter how hard i try. i end up back in this same routine where i just don’t have motivation for life. i put in effort, to get nothing out of it in the end. i fuck around and act like i don’t care, because i’m tired of pretending that my life just might magically get better and i’ll be successful. i just can’t set myself up for disappointment, i can’t do that to myself anymore. and its just getting to the point that it doesn’t seem realistic for me to expect a great future ahead. i know this attitude isn’t going to make things better for me, but i just can’t try anymore. i can’t. i have this bad habit of giving up, and bad habits don’t die easily.